Success Connections

Learn To Love Being Wrong

If you could choose between being happy and being right, which would you consciously choose? 

I have a confession to make.  I am a former “rightaholic”.  You know what a “rightaholic” is.  It’s someone who insists on being right.  I used to be “that person” who had the need to compete…no matter what.  That was until the mid 80’s when the wisdom of Dale Carnegie opened my eyes to the true price of needing to be right.  It was costing me friends and relationships.  And that’s when I started my journey to learn to love being wrong.

In Carnegie’s book, “How To Win Friend and Influence People”, he explains how we turn friends into enemies by sharing an excerpt from Carl Rogers’ book, “On Becoming A Person.  The excerpt goes like this…

“Our first reaction to most of the statements (which we hear from other people) is an evaluation or judgement, rather than an understanding of it.  When someone expresses some feeling, attitude, or belief, our tendency is almost immediately to feel “that’s right,” or “that’s stupid,” “that’s abnormal,” “that’s unreasonable,” that’s incorrect,” “that’s not nice.”  Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person.”

Does that sound familiar to you?  It sure does to me.  When was the last time you heard yourself saying, “that’s right”, “that’s stupid”, or how about “that’s wrong”? I’ll bet it wasn’t long ago.  We all do it at least occasionally.  Even us reformed “rightaholics” aren’t perfect :)

I’m convinced that mind-games (unconscious habits and reactions) like “rightaholicism” are somehow mysteriously installed in our brains sometime early in life (sort of like pre-installed software on a new computer).  And it’s not until later, after a few hard knocks, we realize that the mind-games do us more harm than good.  And I’m sure you know just how hard it can be to uninstall old mind-games. They’re deeply ingrained stubborn habits, and they don’t like to change.

Carnegie goes on to tell a story about some tough love Ben Franklin received from a wise old friend.  His friend warns him,

“Ben, your are impossible.  Your opinions have a slap in them for everyone who differs with you.  They have become so offensive that nobody cares for them.  Your friends find they enjoy themselves better when you’re not around.  You know so much that no man can tell you anything.”

That very day Ben decided to change.  And as you probably know, Ben Franklin later became known as one of the most diplomatic men in American history.  It just goes to show…old dogs can learn new tricks, and so can we.

I’ll let you in on a little secret I learned along the way.  Being wrong is far easier and less stressful than being right!  And it’s more fun too!  In fact, once you get the hang of it, it’s effortless.  You’re going to love it!  You simply drop the beliefs, the thoughts, and the behaviors that drive you to prove your point.  Drop the arguments, drop the disagreements, and drop the corrections.  Just stop.

Think of it this way.  Accepting another person’s point of view (rather than debating or resisting it) doesn’t mean that you agree or that it’s true for you.  It simply means that the other person has a different perspective than you do. That’s it!  It’s not good, bad, right, or wrong…it just is…and sometimes it’s interesting.

So, what’s it going to be for you?  Do you want to keep paddling upstream, or would you like to try floating downstream? 

Are you ready to experiment with learning to love being wrong?  Here are a few tips to get you started.

Listen Up – For the next 24 hours put up your antenna and tune in to the conversations going on around you.  Don’t forget to listen to yourself too.  Then take 15 – 30 minutes to reflect on these questions at the end of the day. 

• How often did you hear disagreements, contradictions, or people correcting each other?
• Were people relating to each other, or were they reacting?
• How important were the topics being discussed?

Select a Strategy To Test – Try a couple of these ideas or create your own

• Instead of “stating” your opinion, try prefacing your statement with, “I may be wrong” or “this is just my personal opinion”
• Instead of giving your opinion, ask for more information like “tell me more about that”, or “what do you think about that?”
• Instead of giving your opinion, make a neutral comment like “that’s interesting” or “interesting perspective” or “oh really?”

Reflect On Your Results – Notice what’s different for you.  How do you feel different?  Are other people noticing a difference?

Share your experience here!

Don't Take Things Too Personally

Let’s start off this article with a little story about a wise taxi cab driver…

Sixteen years ago, I learned an important life lesson in the back of a New York City taxi cab. I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station.  We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by mere inches! The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and started yelling bad words at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy.

And I mean, he was actually friendly! So, I asked him, "Why did you just do that?  This guy almost ruined your car and could've sent us to the hospital!"  And this is when my taxi driver told me about what I now call, "The Law of Garbage Trucks."

"Many people are like Garbage Trucks.  They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.  As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it, and if you let them, they'll dump it on you.  When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally.  Instead, just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.  You'll be happier because you did."

Wow.  That really got me thinking about how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me?  AND, how often do I then take their garbage and spread it onto other people: at work, at home, on the streets?

It was that day I resolved, "I'm not going to do it anymore." Since then, I have started to see Garbage Trucks everywhere.  Just as the kid in the Sixth Sense movie said, "I see dead people," I can now say, "I see Garbage Trucks." :)

I see the load they're carrying ... I see them coming to drop it off.  And like my Taxi Driver, I don't make it a personal thing; I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.
~ Author Unknown ~

If you’re a long time reader, you know that most of my work is about helping people develop their emotional intelligence.  And learning to take things less personally is a perfect exercise in developing our self-awareness, self-management, and social-awareness.

Let’s face it.  We all carry around our own fair share of old garbage.  The garbage that I’m talking about here includes past experiences like, rejection, injustice, disrespect, the silent treatment, anger, and perhaps even feeling invisible.  And like the taxi driver says, when it piles up so high that we can’t carry another ounce, we dump it on some unsuspecting, often innocent, victim. 

Things start to go haywire when you and I become unsuspecting victims of a gigantic dump.  The cunning little ego in our minds jumps in and starts egging us on.  This is all about you!  How rude!  Are you going to let that idiot disrespect you?  Go ahead, stick up for yourself…this is personal!  The resistance of our egos causes the friction within us.  And before we know it, we find ourselves battling in a hot-tempered war…likely over something insignificant.

The truth is…the battle is not about you (or me) at all.  It’s all about the other person who simply can’t carry any more of their own garbage.  We can’t control where other people dump their garbage, but we CAN control how we respond to it.  We CAN allow others to do what they need to do without it affecting us.

So, how can you become more like the taxi driver and not take things too personally?  Here are some ideas to get you started:

• Stop sweating the small stuff – Richard Carlson said it best.  Don’t sweat the small stuff…and it’s all small stuff.
• Lighten up – Stop taking yourself so seriously.  Not everything is about you.  Learn to grin and bear it.
• Choose your battles wisely – Life is too short to fight them all.  Look for the fork in the road, and then take the path of least resistance.
• Take 100% responsibility for your own happiness – Only you can make yourself happy or unhappy.  Exercise your choices well.

Mike Dooley says, “For as long as you are capable of anger, there are lessons to learn.  Thoughts become things…make yours good ones.”

What is it that you do to keep from taking things too personally?

Free Tech Support Until March 15

You know those little computer glitches that keep driving you nuts, but you never get them completely solved?  Well now is the time to tackle them, and you can do it for free!

My friend Phil Gerbyshak, from the Make It Great blog, is working with a new tech support company called Minutefix.  Minutefix is giving away free tech support until March 15! 

First go read Phil's article so you can understand what's going on.  Then contact Minutefix and kiss your computer headaches good-bye! 

Think Like A Free Agent

Think Like A Free Agent is the very first lesson in my free ecourse, "How To Become The MVP In Your Profession".  It was based on the concepts Dan Pink taught in his book, "Free Agent Nation".

Free agent thinking is about thinking of yourself as a business, even if you work for another company.  It's about building your personal brand, and creating your unique identity in whatever work you choose.

A couple of days ago Donald Latumanhina, from the Life Optimizer blog, posted and excellent article called, "How To Make Yourself Your Own Company".  Briefly, his 10 key points are:

1. Think of your employer as your customer
2. Take responsibility
3. Find your core competences
4. Outsource things outside your core competences
5. Find your mission
6. Create your one-liner
7. Build your personal brand
8. Diversify your customer base
9. Plan your moves
10. Record your financial activities

All of it is excellent advice!  Go read more about what Donald has to say here.

February Success Resources

Hello Everyone,

I just thought I'd take a quick minute to share some resources you might find enlightening.  Feel free
to share with your colleagues.

The February issue of the newsletter, Relating@Work is out and can be viewed here

If you'd like to subscribe, the signup page is on the left hand side of my website.

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Personal Branding - If you haven't yet made the time to focus on creating your personal brand, a great place to start is with Steve Pavlina's recent article.  Check it out here

Personal Brand Blog - Dan Schawbel has created an entire blog dedicated to personal branding.   Subscribe to his  RSS feed and keep yourself up to date on what's going on in the world of personal branding.  Check it out here

Effective Internet Presence - Have you Googled your name lately?  If not, do it now and see what you come up with.  Right after that, go download Ted Demopoulos' complimentary ebook about how to create an effective internet presence.  It's right here

That's it for this time!  Post your favorite resources and I'll share them!