Success Connections

Know Your Style Under Stress

In 2006, Careerbulder.com reported that 77% of workers feel burnout on the job.  Their study goes on to report that; “Most workers most often blame their colleagues for their office anxiety, with 16% citing difficult co-workers as their primary cause of stress at work.”

To add to that, most of us are shortsighted about how we come across to others in stressful situations.  Sometimes we regret things we say, but more often than not, we simply filter out most of the emotionally charged behavior that we inflict on others. 

And these emotionally charged moments damage careers and destroy relationships with colleagues and customers every day.

In the book, Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When The Stakes Are High, (page 24) the authors describe some of the games we play under stress.  Here’s what they write:

“For instance, sometimes we move to silence.  We play Salute and Stay Mute.  That is, we don’t confront people in positions of authority.  Or at home we may play Freeze Your Lover.  With this tortured technique we give loved ones the cold shoulder in order to get them to treat us better.”

“Sometimes we rely on hints, sarcasm, innuendo, and looks of disgust to make our points.  We play the martyr and then pretend we’re actually trying to help.  Afraid to confront an individual, we blame an entire team for a problem – hoping the message will hit the right target.  Whatever the technique, the overall method is the same.  We go to silence.”

“On other occasions, not knowing how to stay in dialogue, we rely on violence – anything from subtle manipulation to verbal attacks.  We act like we know everything, hoping people will believe our arguments.  We discredit others, hoping people won’t believe their arguments.  And then we use every manner of force to get our way.  We borrow power from the boss; we hit people with biased monologues.  The goal, of course, is always the same – to compel others to our point of view.”

Do any of these games sound familiar to you?  I’ve been guilty of almost all of them.  How about you?

If you think it’s time to learn more about your style under stress, the authors of “Crucial Conversations” (also the brilliant minds behind VitalSmarts), developed a little test for us.  You can find it in the book, pages 56-63, or you can take it online at the VitalSmarts website, here.

Once you know your style under stress, you’ll be more self-aware.  In other words, you’ll be clearer about “how” other people experience your behavior in difficult situations.  And as always, greater self-awareness allows you to make choices that are more conscious.

What would you add to this?

Related Resources:
How To Manage Your Hot Buttons– A three part series I posted at the Success Connections blog – Part 1 – Part 2 – Part 3

Communicating Effectively Under Stress – This is a great article with several useful tips, written by Joni Johnston

Communication and Self-Management to Reduce Stress – A thought provoking article loaded with useful strategies, written by Joshua Uebergang

When Stress Strikes – Nice simple coverage of some of the crazy games we play when stress strikes, written by Rick Brenner

Use Your Pause Button

As we approach the end of another year, it feels as though everything begins to shift into fast gear.  Suddenly our “to do” lists double in size, the stores overflow with frenzied shoppers, and traffic seems to move at the pace of a turtle.  By the end of the day we’ve bottled up so much stress that we feel used up and just plain overwhelmed. 

The trouble is, that bottled up emotions often uncork themselves when we least expect it.  The least little thing can trigger a release as intense as an erupting volcano.  And often there’s an innocent victim on the receiving end of our spew of emotion.

If this sounds familiar to you and you’d like to change it, try using your pause button throughout the day.

It’s helpful to visualize your pause button, so pick one that works best for you.  I use the “easy button” from the Staples commercial, and just imagine that it says, “pause” instead.

Here’s how it works:

1. Recognize The Trigger - Notice when you start to feel the stress in your body.  Maybe you get a knot in your stomach, you clench your jaw, or you get the urge to snipe a sarcastic remark at someone.
2. Press Your Pause Button – Imagine yourself pressing PAUSE before you do or say something impulsive. 
3. Take A Deep Breath – Breathing helps you gather your thoughts and act with a clear head.
4. Think – What are the choices in front of me?  Which response will result in the best possible outcome?
5. Respond – It doesn’t matter whether you’re writing an email, talking to your customer, or driving your car.  You’re now ready to respond intentionally rather than react to raw emotion.

You might say, “This takes too long.  It won’t work in the heat of a tense moment.”  Yes, it does take a little longer than just bottling up your emotions and letting them erupt all at once.  But that behavior isn’t working for you.

If you try it and practice, I bet you’ll be surprised at how quickly you can work yourself through the process.  Once you get the hang of using your pause button regularly, it becomes a new habit.  And you just might find that it can work wonders!

Final Step - How To Manage Your Hot Buttons

If you're just catching up with us, here are step 1 and step 2 on How To Manage Your Hot Buttons.

By now you should know what your hot buttons are and how you tend to react.  You should also have a good idea about how your reactions negatively impact situations.  In other words, what you regret later.

So, how do you go about managing those situations better?  The simple answer is make the decision and just do it.  But you might need a couple of more steps in there to make it happen.  So let's take a minute and go back to Brad's situation in step 2.

The reality is that Brad could lose his job if he doesn't make some changes.  His behavior is causing tension in the team, and he's alienating his customers.  Both of those situations cost the company time.  Here's a strategy that he could try:

Decide  - By making the decision to change his behavior he's more likely to follow through

Pause & Plan - He knows that every day he needs to cover the tech support line.  He has time to anticipate and create a plan.  His plan might be to change the way he thinks about it.  Instead of thinking about how much he dreads the job, he can focus on how good it feels to help his customers get unstuck.  He could even create a little game for himself.  He could keep a scorecard next to his phone and give himself a point for each customer he helps.

Practice - Changing behavior takes practice.  We're creatures of habit, and it's easy for us to fall back into our old habits, unless we pay attention.  That's why tracking his successes would be a good way to measure progress.

Reflect & Adjust - Brad needs to make time at least every week to review his progress.  Chances are things aren't perfect yet, and reflecting gives him an opportunity to recognize where he still gets stuck.  It also gives him the chance to consciously think about what he can do a little differently to progress further.

Repeat - Persistence is important when you're creating new habits.  So when you're focusing on something specific it's helpful to follow a process and keep repeating it until you get the results you want.  It's the same process that athletes use in their training.

Ok, are you ready?  If you're going to take on this final phase of the challenge, let me know!  I'm happy to help if I can!

Step 2 - How To Manage Your Hot Buttons

If you completed step 1 of How To Manage Your Hot Buttons, you should be more aware of:

1. Which situations tend to push your buttons

2. The warning signals your body sends you when your buttons are being pushed

3. How you tend to react in those situations

Now you're more aware. You have consciously gathered some very important information. Before we move on to "what to do with the information", let's look a little closer.

If I asked someone close to you about how you react when your buttons get pushed, I'll bet they could answer in the blink of an eye. It's one of those things that's easy for others to see, but more difficult for us to admit to ourselves. After all, it's usually not something you're going to brag about. And that's my point. As Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working for you?"

That leads us to Step 2. What is it costing you?  By that I mean, take a good close look at the consequences. What damage is being done, and what is the impact?

Let's take Brad as an example. Brad is an IT guy.  Part of his responsibility is to answer the "help line" for one hour every day.  He hates it.  He thinks it's a waste of time.  He thinks the callers ask stupid questions, and he does everything possible to get out of it.  When he finally does take his turn, he makes sure he let's the caller know he thinks they're stupid.  No, he doesn't come out and say it, but they can hear it in his voice.  He's impatient, he sighs, and he makes sarcastic comments.

So what is this behavior costing Brad?  Well, for starters, nobody wants to call in when he's answering the phone.  People go out of their way to find out when he's scheduled so they can avoid him.  I'd say he's created a reputation for treating callers poorly.

Secondly, his team members are tired of his excuses.  They're tired of covering for him and they're tired of his lame reasons for getting out of the responsibility.  I'd say this is also impacting teamwork.

I'm sure there are several other consequences to Brad's behavior, but you get my point.

For the next several days, ask yourself these questions

§           What are my hot buttons costing me?

§           How are they getting in the way of what I want for myself?

§           What changes am I willing to make now?

Let me know how you do!

Step 1 - How To Manage Your Hot Buttons

First, you need to be able to identify your hot buttons.  You've got to know what they are before you can manage them.  In other words, turn off the cruise control and start paying attention to your reactions.

When a hot button is being pushed it usually signals part of your body.  You might get a knot in your stomach.  You might clench your teeth.  Your heart might beat faster.  Your muscles may tense up.  It could be any number of things, but the key point here is learning to recognize the signals. 

It's sort of like the "check engine" light in your car.  It was designed to give you fair warning that something is or could be going wrong. 

In the case of your hot buttons, you want your brain to recognize and warn you that something is going wrong.  This gives you the opportunity to consciously choose an appropriate response to the situation…and hopefully a response that you won't regret later.

Ok, for the next several days pay extra attention to your hot buttons.  When you begin to feel the signals, step back and take notice.  Ask yourself these questions:

What am I feeling?

What is prompting the feeling?

What am I about to do that I may regret?

What do I need to do right now to prevent doing something I'll regret later?

Let me know what happened!