Success Connections

Be Graceful Under Fire

Do you remember how you felt when you saw the vivid images of Saddam Hussein’s statue destroyed and demolished?  For me, it was one of those indelible images etched in my memory forever along with the Kennedy assassinations and the destruction of the Berlin Wall.

Over the past few weeks, I watched another leader’s reputation dismantled and destroyed.  But, unlike Hussein, this leader isn’t evil.  She is a kind, good-hearted person, who became the target of a power hungry employee who chose to resolve her differences by rallying troops and declaring war.

I didn’t personally witness the bloody tactics used in this battle, but I can personally attest to the leader’s “state of being” as her long time career crumbled before her own eyes.  It’s what I’ve come to call, lessons from “Grace under fire”. 

4 Lessons In Resilience - From Grace Under Fire

Accept Responsibility – Resist the urge to place blame, even when you can.  When you accept full responsibility for problems, you learn the necessary lessons and allow solutions to emerge from within you.

Be Mindful – Pay close attention. Listen and speak consciously.  Be present in every moment.  Give your ego a time out.

Accept Uncertainty – Uncertainty has a way of making us feel uncomfortable and vulnerable.  When we acknowledge and accept that things will be uncertain for a while, it’s much easier to manage the sea of emotions that we’re feeling.

Embrace The Serenity Prayer – You remember this one…”God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Molly Gordon shares some great food for thought in an article she wrote a while ago.  In part, she writes…

The Art, Science, and Grace of Thriving

“Thriving is part art, part science, and part grace.  A thriving business must not only accommodate but support life in all its complexity.  A thriving business requires and provides resilience and continuity.

How do you go about building a thriving career or business?  Here are some of the things I've learned and that I credit with supporting my own thriving business. 

1.    Recognize that life happens.  There will be ups and downs in your personal life and ups and downs in business. When you can accept these ebbs and flows of attention, energy, and focus, you will better be able to adjust to changing conditions both in your heart and in your environment.

2.    Cultivate systems, practices, and networks that provide continuity.  For example, this newsletter and my Web site are ongoing and reliable means of staying in touch with a meaningful network in good times and in bad.

3.    Pay attention to transitions.  When change is happening, it can be easy to get caught up in reactionary thoughts and feelings that can muddy your thinking and make complex situations chaotic.  Learning to detach and observe your reactions, thoughts, and fears will help you keep a steadier course without being rigid.

4.    Learn to notice when things are expanding and when they are contracting, and choose your strategies accordingly.

5.    Learn to regard mistakes as stepping stones to mastery.  Avoid wasting time in needless guilt and defensiveness.  Seize the opportunity to correct your error and move on.”

In a way, the ups and downs of a career are much like the bounce of a rubber ball.  Once it reaches maximum height, it will start a downward journey until it reaches the bottom of the bounce.  But because a rubber ball is so resilient, it automatically bounces back.  You too, can choose to bounce through change like a rubber ball.

So the next time you find yourself in the heat of a stressful change, think Grace, Resilience, and Bounce Back.

How about you?  How do you survive and thrive life’s curve balls?

Resources For Surviving Dysfunctional Holiday Gatherings

I’m Lora Adrianse and I survived oodles of dysfunctional holiday gatherings.  I don’t mean to imply that my way is the right way, but eventually I found the solution that works for me.  And with a little soul searching and planning, you can too.

Kristine Cane is writing a great series called “The Functionally-Challenged Holiday Guide”.  So far, the series includes:
The Self Care Guide
The Preparation Guide
The Presence Guide
Some of my favorite tips she covers are:  Decide How You Want To Feel; Go Complaint Free; Take The Conversation Deeper; Being Kind vs. Being Right.  They’re all great tips.  Go take a read.

If you’re in the mood for adding a little dark humor to your gathering, you may want to try Dysfunctional Family Bingo, brought to us by Meredith O’Brien at BostonHerald.com.

Mark Goulston also offers some excellent advice in his post titled, "Papertrain Your Problem Relatives For Xmas".

And finally, if worse comes to worse, you may decide to do what I did many years ago.  Save yourself and just say, “No”.  I decided I no longer wanted the emotional hangover that followed the dysfunctional celebrations, so I set a boundary and stopped going.  To this day, my holidays are peaceful, even though I spend them alone.

What about you?  How do you cope with dysfunctional holiday gatherings?

Think Before You Label People

As a favor to a friend, I accepted a short-term contract project for my former employer.  My desk was right next to Debbie’s.  In addition to her normal executive assistant responsibilities, Debbie was asked to help me get whatever I needed. 

Debbie and I spent the first day getting to know each other.  Since I needed to rely on her for certain things, it was critical that we started out on the right foot.  On the second day she seemed especially friendly.  She even asked if I had time to help her with a special project.

The following morning I met with the executive who contracted with me.  At the end of our meeting, I confirmed that it was OK to invest a little time in helping Debbie with her project.  Later that day Debbie and I were talking and I said, “Oh by the way, Roberta gave the go ahead for me to help you with that project, so feel free to pile it on”. 

Suddenly, the friendliness in her face turned into a steel stare.  “I asked you that in confidence!” she sneered as she jerked herself closer to her desk.  “Debbie, I didn’t know that your request was confidential.  The company is paying me a lot of money to be here.  I needed to make sure that they want me to spend my time on this.  Help me understand why you’re so upset,” I pleaded.  “Never mind, I can’t trust you!” she snipped.

Debbie never spoke more than a few words to me again.  In fact, she went as far as meeting with the executive who hired me to make sure her feelings were known.

In a heartbeat, Debbie labeled me as untrustworthy.  And to make matters worse, she proceeded to make her case with other people.  Fortunately, I had years of history with this company.  If I hadn’t, Debbie’s baseless snap judgment could have damaged my reputation. 

Even though none of us likes to be labeled or stereotyped, the truth is we all do it in one way or another. Our brain processes more efficiently when it can reference a label it already knows how to handle.  It stores the meaning of the label for quick access later.  The trouble is that our brains go on automatic pilot and without realizing it we react to people or situations without thinking.  And sometimes those automatic reactions are inappropriate, incorrect, unfair, and even damaging.

When I was young and foolish, I labeled a colleague “airhead”.  At the time, I thought it described her…and besides it made people laugh.  One day she called for someone else in the office.  “Carolyn, the airhead is on the phone for you” I bellowed across the room.  What I didn’t realize was that the caller heard me.  Rightfully so, she felt hurt and disrespected.  Before I knew it her boss was in my boss’s office.  I learned a very good lesson that day.

What about you?  Is it time for you to rethink the labels you use for people?

The next time you catch yourself tagging a person with a label, stop and ask yourself these questions:

• Does this label inspire or does it undermine?
• If the other person heard it, would I be proud or would I be embarrassed?
• How would I feel if I knew someone used this label to describe me?

Chances are we’re never going to totally overcome the habit of labeling people.  But with a little thought and discipline, we can choose to use them wisely.

Share your thoughts on labeling people.

How I Learned To Be More Objective

It’s funny how we can remember the intricate details of lessons learned years ago, yet we can’t remember where we put the car keys last night. 

It was in the early 80’s and I was sitting on the opposite side of my boss’s desk.  I was getting chewed-out for over-passionately expressing an opinion in a meeting.  While I don’t remember exactly what it was about, I do recall asking, “What do you do to express your opinions?”  “I only have opinions about things that really matter to me,” she answered.

That day I got two lessons in one chew-out session.  Not bad odds.  These were some of the most valuable lessons in my life.

Lesson One – You don’t need to have an opinion about everything. 

Lesson Two – There are acceptable and unacceptable ways to express opinions.

Quite honestly, the harshness of the conversation shut me down for a while.  That turned out to be a good thing.  It bought me the time and space I needed to reflect on how other people perceived me. 

It gave me time to practice listening without forming an opinion.  I stopped offering opinions unless I was asked.  When I did speak up I chose my words carefully.  I neutralized the intensity of the emotion behind my words.  I talked less and listened more.  I learned to ask more questions and give fewer instructions. 

Over time, I realized that changing my habits was changing my life.  When I realized I could stop being the judge and jury for the world, it was like I’d stepped out of a pressure cooker.  I was happier, quicker to laugh, and my relationships with others began to blossom.

Because I was more open-minded I learned more from others.  I discovered lots of options to solving problems and I made better decisions.

Eventually, people started turning to me as a trusted advisor. 

I don’t typically write about myself here, because this blog is not about me, it’s about helping you remove roadblocks to success. 

Perhaps you can relate to this story.  Or perhaps you’ll share it with another person that will.  If so, I’ve made a difference, and that’s what really matters.

Give Credit Where Credit Is Due

I’ll never forget the day I walked into a small department of spirited women.  Their mission within the HR department is the mundane task of managing the employee records database.  From the moment I entered their little corner of the room I realized that this group found plenty of opportunity to have a little fun with their work.

As they buzzed around full of energy and laughter, I felt as though I could be the victim of a hilarious prank at any given moment.  As I looked around I saw cartoons posted on the walls, colorful mascots on the desks, and then I noticed something really extraordinary. 

A uniquely designed and carefully crafted hat made of tin foil was perched prominently on the top shelf of every cubicle.  I couldn’t help but ask, “What’s with the tin foil hats?”

There was a moment of silence as they looked around at each other.  No one wanted to respond, so I prodded a little deeper.  “C’mon you guys.  I love these hats!  Tell me what inspired them.”

Finally one brave soul grabbed her hat (a robin hood knock off) and put it on her head.  She looked at me and said, “We use them to protect our ideas.” 

After a little more prodding they finally confided that their manager had a habit of stealing and taking credit for their ideas.  They went on to tell me about time after time the manager would take their ideas, pass them on to his boss or others (as his own), and leave them feeling neglected and unappreciated.

They knew that they didn’t have the power to change the self-absorbed manager, so they decided to change what they could.

They simply decided to stop sharing their ideas with him.  And they decided to create the hats in case he tried to steal the ideas out of their heads.  In other words, they decided to have a little fun with a difficult situation.

I took away several lessons from that brief encounter.  Here are some of them:

• When people aren’t given the credit that they deserve, they shut down.
• When you’re the boss and you steal credit from your direct reports, they know, you lose all credibility, and you can become the brunt of an inside joke.
• You can steal people’s ideas, but you can’t steal their spirit.

What other lessons do you see in this story?

This post was inspired by Marshall Goldsmith’s latest book, What Got You Here Won't Get You There

Embrace Your Critics

Critics…you’ve got to love them.  Why?  Because you can’t change them!  No matter how hard you try to change another person’s behavior, it’s not going to happen until they want to change. 

Imagine what life must be like from their perspective.  Being the judge and jury for the entire world must be an enormous burden.

Experience has taught me the best way to deal with critics is to give them ample opportunity to do what they do best.  Let’s look at an example of an overly critical colleague I used to work with.

Donald was (and probably still is) a perfectionist and a chronic critic.  Nothing was ever good enough for him.  He could find a flaw in anything and he always had an opinion about what he would have done differently.  Donald had one more especially irritating habit though.  Instead of bringing his criticism to me, he’d take it straight to my boss.

The boss (another story for another time) felt the need to share Donald’s input with me.  There was a time it felt like a never ending cycle of Donald “reporting me to the boss” and the boss delivering the criticism. 

You might guess they were both getting under my skin.  I knew that it was up to me to find a way to change what I could and minimize the stress it was causing me.  This is what I did:

Stop Resisting – I believe that “what we resist, persists”, so I needed to stop resisting the criticism.

Change What You Can – Donald’s habit of criticizing was deeply ingrained.  I knew that only HE could change it.  If nothing else, I thought it was worth a try to get him to bring his suggestions to me.

Embrace The Critic – I decided to think of Donald as my own personal critic.  I’d ask for his opinion rather than wait to hear it.  I created a space where he could dump whatever was on his mind.  I listened intently and made it easy for him to do what he did best.  After all, it was my choice to decide whether to use the advice or not.

Establish An Agreement – One of the most important aspects was to get Donald to come to me instead of going directly to the boss, so I made an agreement with him.  The conversation went like this:

Me:  Donald, I know we’ve never talked about this before, but it might be time for us to come to an agreement on something.  Let me ask you this…when I have a concern about something you’ve said or done, would you prefer that I approach you with it, or should I just talk to the boss about it?

Donald:  Well of course, I want you to come directly to me.

Me:  Good, I feel the same way.  When you have a concern about something I’ve said or done, I want you to come directly to me as well.  Lately, I’ve been getting a fair amount of feedback from the boss about things you think I should do differently.  From now on, can I count on you to bring those suggestions to me?  What I mean is, do we have an agreement?

Donald:  Sure!

Reinforce The New Behavior – Although I never made any promises, I always told Donald how much I appreciated the time he took to share his thoughts.  As he left my office, I always gave him one more opportunity, “If you think of anything else, be sure to let me know, ok?”

In case you’re wondering, it was successful!  By changing my thinking and taking responsibility I was able to strengthen my relationship with Donald, get the boss off my back, and reduce my stress.  The experience with Donald was a great lesson for me.

What would you have done differently?
What are your secrets for handling your critics? 
Post your thoughts here!

Validate Your Assumptions

I've received some good feedback from the March issue of Relating@Work.  I don't normally make a habit of posting info from the newsletter here (so people don't get duplicate information), but this time I thought there may be value.  You can register for your own copy of Relating@Work here.  It's a free quick read, focused on one monthly strategy, and includes 3 - 4 support links for additional reference.  You can expect it just once (the first week) every month.  This month's topic...Validate Your Assumptions

Amy is a concierge for a prominent hotel in town.  She has a reputation for "pulling rabbits out of hats"…for making the impossible…possible. 

Last week one of the hotel's preferred guests put her skills to the test.  He wanted 10 tickets to a sold out concert at the local arena.  She assured him she would do everything possible.  In her own mind she thought, "I've pulled this off before, it's no problem." 

After a few calls she found that one of the corporate suites was open.  Within the next 2 hours she had the deal nailed down.  The only thing left to do was communicate to the guest.

Now that turned out to be the real challenge.  After several attempts to reach the guest she was starting to get stressed.  Her daughter's dance recital started in an hour, and she vowed not to miss it.

She decided to turn the job over to the hotel desk manager.  After all, she knew him well, and he always came through for her in a pinch.

This situation turned into a nightmare.  The front desk manager couldn't reach the guest either.  He finally assumed the guest would stop by and ask about the tickets.  In the meantime, the guest assumed that Amy couldn't get the tickets; after all he hadn't heard from her.  Although he wasn't happy about it, he made other plans.

The next morning Amy realized what happened.  She was infuriated.  After all, her reputation that was on the line.  After she chewed up and spit out the front desk manager, she immediately jumped into her "damage control" mode.

Can you pick out the assumptions that contributed to the issue here?

§           Amy assumed that the front desk manager would follow through for her.

§           The desk manager assumed that the guest would check on the tickets.

§           The guest assumed that Amy couldn't get the tickets.

In this case, 3 people made assumptions but didn't bother to validate them.  What could the assumptions cost the hotel?

§           The preferred guest didn't get what he wanted, and he's likely take his business elsewhere.

§           Amy is so angry with the desk manager that she's not speaking to him.  There is tension between them and they're not communicating.  Tension and lack of communication can cost the company plenty in terms of wasted time, lower productivity and possibly even poor service.

People avoid using the word "assume" because they know too well that it can lead to trouble. Often an assumption is hiding beneath by a statement like, "I thought you were…"

It's human nature to assume.  Most of us make several assumptions every single day.  Great people in companies make assumptions.  Smart people validate their assumptions. 

Are you ready to take the challenge?

Take Action Challenge:

My challenge to you over the next week:

1.       Start listening to yourself very closely

2.       Notice how often you need to explain something that didn't go as expected

3.       Catch yourself every time you start thinking or saying, "I assumed…" or "I thought…"

4.       Start asking yourself, "What am I assuming here?"

5.       Practice validating your assumptions before things go wrong

6.       Notice what's different for you

7.       Share your experience with me

What Good People Do To Bad Bosses

Life is way too short to put up with bad bosses.  Take a look at how one group of employees in Vancouver took matters into their own hands.  Right here!

Caution!  If you're sensitive to colorful language, don't read the comments section.

Let me ask you this...How do you handle bad bosses?

Hindsights By Guy Kawasaki

You MUST make time to get over to Guy Kawasaki's blog and read his latest post on "Hindsights II".  Very wise indeed!  I'll give you the short version sampling, but MAKE the time to go over and read the detail.

1.  Things are never as good or as bad as they seem.

2.  You can love an adopted child as much as a biological one.

3.  The key to child delivery is one word: “epidural.”

4.  People act like their last names sound.

5.  If you think someone is an orifice, everyone else does too.

6.  Life is too short to deal with orifices.

7.  Entrepreneurs are always a year late and 90% high in their “conservative” forecast.

8.  Judge others by their intentions and yourself by your results.

9.  You don't have to answer every email.

10.  Always use the toilet in an airplane after a woman.

11. Never ask people to do something that you wouldn't do.

If I had to vote, my favorite would have to be #8  Judge others by their intentions and yourself by your results.  In case you're not familiar with how the quote is traditionally written, it goes something like this:

"We judge ourselves by our intentions, and we judge others by their behavior or results".  In other words, we hold other people to a higher standard than we hold ourselves.  So true!

Let me ask you this...  If you started judging yourself by your results (rather than your intentions), what would be different for you?

Thanks Guy!  Great Post!