Success Connections

June Success Resources

Hello Everyone,

I just thought I'd take a quick minute to share some resources you might find enlightening.  Feel free
to share with your colleagues.

Know Yourself - Change Yourself - Tim Brownson is one of my favorite personal development bloggers.  For a limited time, he's offering a complimentary download of his ebook, "Know Yourself - Change Yourself".  If your serious about changing your life, don't miss this one.

Makeuseof.com - A complimentary subscription to Makeuse of is a must have, if you wanted to find the latest and greatest pre-tested tips and tools for the web, your gadgets, and your software. 

100 Free Places To Learn Online and Counting - If you know where to find it, you can learn just about anything you want for free, right through the web.  Check out this list of resources, courtesy the Mission To Learn blog.

That's it for this time!  Send me your favorite resources and I'll share them!

Lora

Resources For Surviving Dysfunctional Holiday Gatherings

I’m Lora Adrianse and I survived oodles of dysfunctional holiday gatherings.  I don’t mean to imply that my way is the right way, but eventually I found the solution that works for me.  And with a little soul searching and planning, you can too.

Kristine Cane is writing a great series called “The Functionally-Challenged Holiday Guide”.  So far, the series includes:
The Self Care Guide
The Preparation Guide
The Presence Guide
Some of my favorite tips she covers are:  Decide How You Want To Feel; Go Complaint Free; Take The Conversation Deeper; Being Kind vs. Being Right.  They’re all great tips.  Go take a read.

If you’re in the mood for adding a little dark humor to your gathering, you may want to try Dysfunctional Family Bingo, brought to us by Meredith O’Brien at BostonHerald.com.

Mark Goulston also offers some excellent advice in his post titled, "Papertrain Your Problem Relatives For Xmas".

And finally, if worse comes to worse, you may decide to do what I did many years ago.  Save yourself and just say, “No”.  I decided I no longer wanted the emotional hangover that followed the dysfunctional celebrations, so I set a boundary and stopped going.  To this day, my holidays are peaceful, even though I spend them alone.

What about you?  How do you cope with dysfunctional holiday gatherings?

Turning Good People Into Top Talent

If you’re a leader responsible for developing people in your organization, you should know that Bob Moore is releasing a new book today. 

Turning Good People Into Top Talent:  Key Leadership Strategies for a Winning Company

Bob has condensed his 30+ years of expertise into seven keys for visionary leaders.  Here’s a snippet from the chapter on Coach-Based Management:

“Becoming an effective coach-based manager requires a stretch for many managers and a major shift from the role of an autocratic boss or demanding supervisor.  The organizational culture also needs to move from reward problem-solving behaviors to rewarding problem-prevention.  This means including employees in a more proactive, collaborative approach that considers what could go wrong, how to prevent problems, and developing contingency plans should surprises occur.  Today’s information workers may actually know more about how to do their jobs than their managers do.”

This is what John Stephanek, Manager of Organizational Development had to say:

“Bob has nailed it!  What you need to do to climb the management ladder is blueprinted in these pages.  Master the skills in the chapter on “Coach-Based Management” alone and you will double your value as a leader of people”

What I like best about the book is that each chapter ends with a recap of key points, questions to ponder, action plans, and assignments.

Order the book before midnight, November 1, 2007, and you get 13 additional supplemental resources from experts like Keith Ferrazzi, Michael Angier, Kevin Eikenberry, and yours truly, Lora Adrianse.

Add Turning Good People Into Top Talent:  Key Leadership Strategies for a Winning Company to your leadership library today.

Know Your Style Under Stress

In 2006, Careerbulder.com reported that 77% of workers feel burnout on the job.  Their study goes on to report that; “Most workers most often blame their colleagues for their office anxiety, with 16% citing difficult co-workers as their primary cause of stress at work.”

To add to that, most of us are shortsighted about how we come across to others in stressful situations.  Sometimes we regret things we say, but more often than not, we simply filter out most of the emotionally charged behavior that we inflict on others. 

And these emotionally charged moments damage careers and destroy relationships with colleagues and customers every day.

In the book, Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When The Stakes Are High, (page 24) the authors describe some of the games we play under stress.  Here’s what they write:

“For instance, sometimes we move to silence.  We play Salute and Stay Mute.  That is, we don’t confront people in positions of authority.  Or at home we may play Freeze Your Lover.  With this tortured technique we give loved ones the cold shoulder in order to get them to treat us better.”

“Sometimes we rely on hints, sarcasm, innuendo, and looks of disgust to make our points.  We play the martyr and then pretend we’re actually trying to help.  Afraid to confront an individual, we blame an entire team for a problem – hoping the message will hit the right target.  Whatever the technique, the overall method is the same.  We go to silence.”

“On other occasions, not knowing how to stay in dialogue, we rely on violence – anything from subtle manipulation to verbal attacks.  We act like we know everything, hoping people will believe our arguments.  We discredit others, hoping people won’t believe their arguments.  And then we use every manner of force to get our way.  We borrow power from the boss; we hit people with biased monologues.  The goal, of course, is always the same – to compel others to our point of view.”

Do any of these games sound familiar to you?  I’ve been guilty of almost all of them.  How about you?

If you think it’s time to learn more about your style under stress, the authors of “Crucial Conversations” (also the brilliant minds behind VitalSmarts), developed a little test for us.  You can find it in the book, pages 56-63, or you can take it online at the VitalSmarts website, here.

Once you know your style under stress, you’ll be more self-aware.  In other words, you’ll be clearer about “how” other people experience your behavior in difficult situations.  And as always, greater self-awareness allows you to make choices that are more conscious.

What would you add to this?

Related Resources:
How To Manage Your Hot Buttons– A three part series I posted at the Success Connections blog – Part 1 – Part 2 – Part 3

Communicating Effectively Under Stress – This is a great article with several useful tips, written by Joni Johnston

Communication and Self-Management to Reduce Stress – A thought provoking article loaded with useful strategies, written by Joshua Uebergang

When Stress Strikes – Nice simple coverage of some of the crazy games we play when stress strikes, written by Rick Brenner

Learn To Read People

When it comes to ordering a juicy steak at a restaurant, most of us have very specific preferences about how we like our steak cooked.  If it arrives overcooked or undercooked we either send it back, or eat it as it is and make a mental note to find a new restaurant.  In other words, we want it how we like it…our way.

When it comes to relating to and communicating with people in our lives, most of us have specific preferences as well.  Some of us like it short and sweet, some like lots of information, some like it in between. 

While most of us know what it takes to serve up a great steak, only a few of us really understand what takes to serve up communication that meets the wants and needs of the people in our lives. 

Why is that?  I think it’s a mixture.  Part of it is lack of knowing how to read people, and part of it is lack of effort.  It takes extreme effort to treat people how THEY want to be treated, instead of treating them how we feel like treating them.

I can’t teach you all you need to know about reading people in this brief article, but I can share with you some great resources (below), and perhaps give you enough to whet your appetite.  I can also promise you that if you take the initiative to learn to read people, you will be on the path to creating the most extraordinary relationships of your life.

Theorists use different terms to describe the 4 most common communication styles (sometimes referred to as personality or behavior styles).  We all have (and use) all 4 styles, but most of us have one or two preferences that work best for us.  This very short lesson uses language from the model coined by Gary Smalley (more below) in his personality assessment work.  Here’s a brief overview of the 4 different styles:

The Lion Style - Lions are known as the king of the jungle.  They roar and they send the females out to hunt.

How To Recognize Them: Fast paced, quick thinker, more formal, more serious, opinionated

How To Best Communicate With Them: Focus on facts and results, show respect for their time and authority, think bullet points and executive summary

The Otter Style – Otters are very social and playful.  They’ll put on a show for you if you give them an audience.

How To Recognize Them: Fun, communicates easily, wears bright colors, like to talk about themselves

How To Best Communicate With Them: Be entertaining and fast moving, ask about and acknowledge them, explain how they will benefit

The Golden Retriever Style – Golden Retrievers are known for their loyalty and companionship.  They’ll love you no matter what.

How To Recognize Them: Accommodating and helpful, casual/simple clothing, laugh quietly but often, great listeners

How To Best Communicate With Them: Support their feelings, emphasize mutual goals, be warm and sincere, avoid challenging and confronting

The Beaver Style – Beavers are loners and are known for their extreme focus and attention to detail.  They work tirelessly to build intricate dens with extreme precision.

How To Recognize Them: Quiet and more reserved, conservative/functional clothing, takes copious notes, waits for you to initiate conversation

How To Best Communicate With Them: Be clear and factual, provide details, allow them time to think and respond, support their logic

• Think of your own personal preferences.  Which of the style best describes you?
• Now make a list of the important people in your life.  Include your family, your colleagues, and boss, and don’t forget your clients and customers. 
• Next, see if you can choose a style or two that fits them best (based upon what you know).
• Compare your own style to the styles of the people on your list.  Notice how they’re alike and how they’re different.

If you’re like most people, you’ve been communicating with the others based on what works best for you.  What changes do you need to make to communicate with them so it best meets THEIR needs?  What changes WILL you make?

Learning to use this little model can virtually transform your relationships.  But…it won't happen overnight!  It will take planning, practice, trial and error, more planning, and more practice.  Honestly, this is stuff works!  And, it's the most important skill I learned in my career!

Additional Resources:

Gary Smalley – His personality assessment is here (although he no longer uses lions, otters, beavers and golden retrievers as a model) it’s still worth checking out.  You can interpret your results at his site here. (Note:  Skip the add at the top of the page and scroll down to look at the interpretations)

Tony Alessandra – As the author of The Platinum Rule: Discover the Four Basic Business Personalities and How They Can Lead You to Success, Tony is one of the masters in the field when it comes to reading people.  Browse the back issues of his newsletter and sign up if you find his articles useful.

Discovering What Makes People Tick – A good article from the people at the Levinson Institute

Communication Styles Table – An excellent little tool created by Dr. Brackman

3 Tools For Goal Setting

The time between Christmas and the New Year is one of my favorites.  It feels fabulous to reflect back on the past year, clear out a little clutter, and begin planning for a brand new year!

Have you started thinking about it yet?  If you don’t get started soon, January will have come and gone and you’ll be wondering where it went. 

Here are 3 tools that will guide you through a relatively painless process.  If it’s too time consuming for one setting break the exercise down into manageable chunks.  Doing anything is better than doing nothing.

Year In Review

Start by looking back over the past year.  Curt Rosengren over at the Occupational Adventure is writing a series on how to review your past year.  Start with his article titled Year In Review Questions – Building A Foundation For 2007.  Then follow the rest of his articles to complete the process.  They’re all listed on the right column of his blog.

Rate Your Satisfaction

Now that you’ve looked back, how do you feel about it?  It’s helpful to create a visual image that measures your satisfaction.  One of my favorite tools for measuring satisfaction is called the Wheel Of Life.  Norm Shrewsbury over at The Path Of Happiness has a tool called Life Balance Sphere.  Complete the Life Balance Sphere and print your results.

Set Your Goals & Write Them Down

This last tool is one of my all time favorites created by the great Fred Nickols.  If you do nothing else, use Fred’s Goals Grid to get clear about 2007.

Special Note: The Goals Grid was created and a strategic planning tool for organizations, but don’t let that stop you from using it for your life and/or career goals.  It’s a little bit hard to find on the website, so follow these instructions.

1. Go to Fred’s site
2. Click on “Articles” (top left side)
3. Click on the “Work & Management” link
4. Scroll down to the “Goals Grid Job Aid”
5. Print it off, follow the instructions, and get to work

There you go!  3 great tools that will get you in gear for the new year! 

If you get stuck or you need help, I’m only a phone call or email away! 

Resources From Essential Connections

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The September issue of the newsletter, Relating@Work is out and can be viewed here:
Relating@Work
If you'd like to subscribe, the signup page is on the left hand side of my website.

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The cool people from Mindtools have put together an excellent PDF file to help you fine tune your active listening skills.  It's a 16 page PDF file and you can download it right here:
Active Listening

We can all use an occassional refresher for our communication skills.  Here's a special collection of
articles at Forbes: Forbes Communication Articles
Hat Tip To Focused Performance Blog

If somehow you've never made the time to read the classics by Dale Carnegie, you can now find some of it right here on the web.  An excellent summary of "How To Win Friends An Influence People" can be found right here: Summary
Hat Tip to Communication Nation

Rosa Say from the Talking Story blogs share her insights on the power of the weekly review.  Don't miss her wisdom.  You can find it right here: Weekly Review

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Are you crazy about Customer Service?  Check out my newest blog! Let me know what you think.

Your Customers Matter...Don't They?

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Complimentary eCourse
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Have you checked out my complimentary eCourse yet?  The title is "How To Become The MVP In Your Profession". Take a look at the right hand side of my website here:  Essential Connections

More On Feedback

I don't mean to beat a dead horse here, but feedback is one of the most valuable gifts that you can possibly receive.  Generally though, you need to add it to your wish list and make it known.  In other words, you have to ask.

Have you asked yet?  If not, consider this another little nudge.  In fact, I'd like to offer you a couple of more good reasons to take action.  Just in case you're tired of hearing it from me, take a look at what David Maister (one of my heros) has to say about the importance of getting feedback.

Getting Good At Getting Feedback

Teaching Guts

Do you need a little help getting started?  Shoot me an email!

Thanks to Steve Farber (another one of my heros) for pointing me to David's posts.

Related Posts:

How To Receive Feedback The Easy Way

Add Feedback To Your Whitelist

Ask For Feedback Regularly

Quick Book Review - Change The Way You See Everything Through Asset-Based Thinking

I made a quick trip to the local Sam’s Club this morning to see what they were currently offering for computers.  As always, I decided to quickly scan the books before I left.  One book practically called my name.  For a minute I thought I was dyslexic.  The title was printed backwards.  But it practically called out to me… “Pick me up, look at my beauty inside, have a drink of my wisdom.” 

It was sheer delight to spend this Saturday afternoon reading “Change The Way You See Everything Through Asset-Based Thinking”.  It’s a delightful but deep, quick read co-authored by Kathryn D. Cramer and Hank Wasiak.  The graphic design is exquisite.  The powerful messages resonated with my purpose…to help people bring out the best in themselves.

The introduction message, in part, goes like this:

“People from all walks of life surpass their current levels of excellence and achievement just by shifting, ever so slightly, the way they see everything.

Just think what could be possible if people focused their attention on:

§         Opportunities rather than problems

§         Strengths more than weaknesses

§         What can be done instead of what can’t

When you decrease your focus on what is wrong, and increase your focus on what is right, you build enthusiasm and energy, strengthen relationships, and move people and productivity to the next level.”

It goes on to deliver powerful practices, lessons and stories about the value of embracing “Asset-Based Thinking”.  This book is beautiful enough for your coffee table, and the teachings are brilliant enough to change your life.  It’s something you’ll go back to again and again, and each time something new will resonate with you.

If you’ve been treading water for too long, and you’re ready to start swimming, this book will be one of your favorites.  Don’t miss it!

Be Visible!

Are you looking for another great resource?   If so, take a peek at Be Visible.  It's not your average ezine.  The design is fabulous! The content is second to none!  And it's free (with the option to make a small donation).  This one is too cool to miss!  Go there now!

Thanks go to my good buddy Phil Gerbyshak (The Make It Great Guy), for pointing me in that direction!