Success Connections

Learn To Love Being Wrong

If you could choose between being happy and being right, which would you consciously choose? 

I have a confession to make.  I am a former “rightaholic”.  You know what a “rightaholic” is.  It’s someone who insists on being right.  I used to be “that person” who had the need to compete…no matter what.  That was until the mid 80’s when the wisdom of Dale Carnegie opened my eyes to the true price of needing to be right.  It was costing me friends and relationships.  And that’s when I started my journey to learn to love being wrong.

In Carnegie’s book, “How To Win Friend and Influence People”, he explains how we turn friends into enemies by sharing an excerpt from Carl Rogers’ book, “On Becoming A Person.  The excerpt goes like this…

“Our first reaction to most of the statements (which we hear from other people) is an evaluation or judgement, rather than an understanding of it.  When someone expresses some feeling, attitude, or belief, our tendency is almost immediately to feel “that’s right,” or “that’s stupid,” “that’s abnormal,” “that’s unreasonable,” that’s incorrect,” “that’s not nice.”  Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person.”

Does that sound familiar to you?  It sure does to me.  When was the last time you heard yourself saying, “that’s right”, “that’s stupid”, or how about “that’s wrong”? I’ll bet it wasn’t long ago.  We all do it at least occasionally.  Even us reformed “rightaholics” aren’t perfect :)

I’m convinced that mind-games (unconscious habits and reactions) like “rightaholicism” are somehow mysteriously installed in our brains sometime early in life (sort of like pre-installed software on a new computer).  And it’s not until later, after a few hard knocks, we realize that the mind-games do us more harm than good.  And I’m sure you know just how hard it can be to uninstall old mind-games. They’re deeply ingrained stubborn habits, and they don’t like to change.

Carnegie goes on to tell a story about some tough love Ben Franklin received from a wise old friend.  His friend warns him,

“Ben, your are impossible.  Your opinions have a slap in them for everyone who differs with you.  They have become so offensive that nobody cares for them.  Your friends find they enjoy themselves better when you’re not around.  You know so much that no man can tell you anything.”

That very day Ben decided to change.  And as you probably know, Ben Franklin later became known as one of the most diplomatic men in American history.  It just goes to show…old dogs can learn new tricks, and so can we.

I’ll let you in on a little secret I learned along the way.  Being wrong is far easier and less stressful than being right!  And it’s more fun too!  In fact, once you get the hang of it, it’s effortless.  You’re going to love it!  You simply drop the beliefs, the thoughts, and the behaviors that drive you to prove your point.  Drop the arguments, drop the disagreements, and drop the corrections.  Just stop.

Think of it this way.  Accepting another person’s point of view (rather than debating or resisting it) doesn’t mean that you agree or that it’s true for you.  It simply means that the other person has a different perspective than you do. That’s it!  It’s not good, bad, right, or wrong…it just is…and sometimes it’s interesting.

So, what’s it going to be for you?  Do you want to keep paddling upstream, or would you like to try floating downstream? 

Are you ready to experiment with learning to love being wrong?  Here are a few tips to get you started.

Listen Up – For the next 24 hours put up your antenna and tune in to the conversations going on around you.  Don’t forget to listen to yourself too.  Then take 15 – 30 minutes to reflect on these questions at the end of the day. 

• How often did you hear disagreements, contradictions, or people correcting each other?
• Were people relating to each other, or were they reacting?
• How important were the topics being discussed?

Select a Strategy To Test – Try a couple of these ideas or create your own

• Instead of “stating” your opinion, try prefacing your statement with, “I may be wrong” or “this is just my personal opinion”
• Instead of giving your opinion, ask for more information like “tell me more about that”, or “what do you think about that?”
• Instead of giving your opinion, make a neutral comment like “that’s interesting” or “interesting perspective” or “oh really?”

Reflect On Your Results – Notice what’s different for you.  How do you feel different?  Are other people noticing a difference?

Share your experience here!

Don't Take Things Too Personally

Let’s start off this article with a little story about a wise taxi cab driver…

Sixteen years ago, I learned an important life lesson in the back of a New York City taxi cab. I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station.  We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by mere inches! The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and started yelling bad words at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy.

And I mean, he was actually friendly! So, I asked him, "Why did you just do that?  This guy almost ruined your car and could've sent us to the hospital!"  And this is when my taxi driver told me about what I now call, "The Law of Garbage Trucks."

"Many people are like Garbage Trucks.  They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.  As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it, and if you let them, they'll dump it on you.  When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally.  Instead, just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.  You'll be happier because you did."

Wow.  That really got me thinking about how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me?  AND, how often do I then take their garbage and spread it onto other people: at work, at home, on the streets?

It was that day I resolved, "I'm not going to do it anymore." Since then, I have started to see Garbage Trucks everywhere.  Just as the kid in the Sixth Sense movie said, "I see dead people," I can now say, "I see Garbage Trucks." :)

I see the load they're carrying ... I see them coming to drop it off.  And like my Taxi Driver, I don't make it a personal thing; I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.
~ Author Unknown ~

If you’re a long time reader, you know that most of my work is about helping people develop their emotional intelligence.  And learning to take things less personally is a perfect exercise in developing our self-awareness, self-management, and social-awareness.

Let’s face it.  We all carry around our own fair share of old garbage.  The garbage that I’m talking about here includes past experiences like, rejection, injustice, disrespect, the silent treatment, anger, and perhaps even feeling invisible.  And like the taxi driver says, when it piles up so high that we can’t carry another ounce, we dump it on some unsuspecting, often innocent, victim. 

Things start to go haywire when you and I become unsuspecting victims of a gigantic dump.  The cunning little ego in our minds jumps in and starts egging us on.  This is all about you!  How rude!  Are you going to let that idiot disrespect you?  Go ahead, stick up for yourself…this is personal!  The resistance of our egos causes the friction within us.  And before we know it, we find ourselves battling in a hot-tempered war…likely over something insignificant.

The truth is…the battle is not about you (or me) at all.  It’s all about the other person who simply can’t carry any more of their own garbage.  We can’t control where other people dump their garbage, but we CAN control how we respond to it.  We CAN allow others to do what they need to do without it affecting us.

So, how can you become more like the taxi driver and not take things too personally?  Here are some ideas to get you started:

• Stop sweating the small stuff – Richard Carlson said it best.  Don’t sweat the small stuff…and it’s all small stuff.
• Lighten up – Stop taking yourself so seriously.  Not everything is about you.  Learn to grin and bear it.
• Choose your battles wisely – Life is too short to fight them all.  Look for the fork in the road, and then take the path of least resistance.
• Take 100% responsibility for your own happiness – Only you can make yourself happy or unhappy.  Exercise your choices well.

Mike Dooley says, “For as long as you are capable of anger, there are lessons to learn.  Thoughts become things…make yours good ones.”

What is it that you do to keep from taking things too personally?

Censor Your Critical Comments

Think about the last time someone took a cheap shot at you. Do you remember exactly what was said?  Do you remember how it made you feel in the moment?  Do you remember how many people you told about it?

While you may not remember exactly what was said, chances are that you still remember how you felt.  It’s how our brains work.  We tend to remember how people treat us.  And it’s likely that the person who took the cheap shot has no memory of it what so ever.

Interesting isn’t it?  We tend to forget critical comments we make, but we remember critical comments that we receive.

We all make critical comments, at least on occasion.  A little zing here and a little jab there, and a little sarcasm disguised as humor just for laughs.  Before we know it, making critical comments has become a full-blown habit.  A harmful habit that hurts people and destroys relationships.

Is it possible that you have a habit of making critical comments?  We don’t see ourselves as other people see us you know.  Would you like to broaden your self-awareness?

Select someone you trust to be honest with you.  Ask him/her to keep track of your critical comments for 1 – 3 days.  Schedule some private time to sit down and listen to the results.  Just listen.  Don’t explain or make excuses.  When it’s over, just say “Thank you”. 

If you don’t like what you hear, make a decision to change the habit.  Experiment for 30 days.

Think before you speak – Try Marshall Goldsmith’s advice to decide if your critical comment is worth it.  Before you speak, ask yourself:

• Will this comment help our customers?
• Will this comment help our company?
• Will this comment help the person I’m talking to?
• Will this comment help the person I’m talking about?

If the answer is no, don’t say it.  Bite your tongue if necessary.

If you decide that your comment worth it, try these 3 tips:

Ask for permission – Instead of just blurting out your comment, ask something like, “Would you like my thoughts about this?”

Approach thoughtfully – As Stephen Covey taught us, begin with the end in mind.  Imagine that your conversation will end up on Youtube.com.  Approach it accordingly.

Ask for clarification – When emotions are tense (and usually they are in critical situations), it helps to assume that you are missing something.  Start by asking something like, “Could you help me understand…”

Critical comments are nothing but knee jerk reactions to stressful situations.  These tips will help you buy yourself some time to think before you speak.  And sometimes, that’s all it takes.  Give it a little time and some practice.  You’ll be glad you did. 

Treat Advice As A Gift

Advice is a funny thing.  It’s one of those things that is easier to give than it is to receive.

We all have a little advisor in us who stands guard; ready and willing to help the moment we spot someone who could use a little advice.  It’s one of the few things we all seem to have plenty to give.  Offering advice makes us feel as if we’re being helpful to the people we care about, and sometimes even strangers. 

However, when the tables are turned and someone offers us advice, we tend to get defensive…especially if it’s something we don’t particularly want to hear.  Suddenly the person giving the advice becomes an enemy under attack.  Almost automatically, we whip out our imaginary machine gun and start shooting holes in the well-intended comments.  Sometimes we argue, justify, or even sling an insult at the other person.  All too often, we go to extremes and do whatever it takes to make the other person wrong.

Even though we all offer more than our share of advice, when we’re on the receiving end, it’s a different story.  Many of us unknowingly, are not open to receiving the same valuable advice that we share so freely. 

It’s ironic isn’t it? 

Think about it for a minute.  What is the most valuable piece of advice you’ve ever received? I’ll bet you can come up with an answer pretty quickly.

You might be thinking to yourself, “I came up with an answer, so that must mean that I’m open to receiving advice.  This article doesn’t really apply to me.”

Wait just a minute and think again.  How long did it take you to realize that (your answer to the advice question), was so valuable?  Did you realize it as soon as it was offered, or was it later, over a period of time?

Chances are, it took a while for the advice to sink in.  And maybe you even received the same advice several times before you finally accepted it.  It’s sort of like how we learn lessons.  We get the same lesson presented to us over and over again, until we finally learn it.

How do you treat advice as a gift? Try this the next time some offers you well-intended advice:

Just Listen – no comments, arguments, objections, excuses, or explanations
Receive – accept that the other person is trying to be helpful and that the advice might have some merit
Acknowledge – just say “Thank You”, nothing more
Decide – consider the advice and decide if you’ll use it now or save it for later

So, why should you consider treating advice as a gift? Here are a few of my thoughts, see if you can add your own to the list:

• You can drop the defensiveness and avoid the negative energy that goes with it
• Being more open will help you strengthen your relationships
• People will be more willing to tell you what they’re really thinking
• You just may learn something

Here’s the beauty of treating advice as a gift.  Once you accept it and receive it, you can choose to use it now, or put it away for later when it makes more sense to you.

Think of it like opening gifts on a special holiday.  You might get pajamas that you can use right now, or you might get a bathing suit that you put away for later. 

And who knows, the advice you get could be a lesson in disguise, just waiting to be opened. 

Let me know how you do!

This article was inspired by Marshall Goldsmith’s book

What Got You Here Won't Get You There

Learn To Read People

When it comes to ordering a juicy steak at a restaurant, most of us have very specific preferences about how we like our steak cooked.  If it arrives overcooked or undercooked we either send it back, or eat it as it is and make a mental note to find a new restaurant.  In other words, we want it how we like it…our way.

When it comes to relating to and communicating with people in our lives, most of us have specific preferences as well.  Some of us like it short and sweet, some like lots of information, some like it in between. 

While most of us know what it takes to serve up a great steak, only a few of us really understand what takes to serve up communication that meets the wants and needs of the people in our lives. 

Why is that?  I think it’s a mixture.  Part of it is lack of knowing how to read people, and part of it is lack of effort.  It takes extreme effort to treat people how THEY want to be treated, instead of treating them how we feel like treating them.

I can’t teach you all you need to know about reading people in this brief article, but I can share with you some great resources (below), and perhaps give you enough to whet your appetite.  I can also promise you that if you take the initiative to learn to read people, you will be on the path to creating the most extraordinary relationships of your life.

Theorists use different terms to describe the 4 most common communication styles (sometimes referred to as personality or behavior styles).  We all have (and use) all 4 styles, but most of us have one or two preferences that work best for us.  This very short lesson uses language from the model coined by Gary Smalley (more below) in his personality assessment work.  Here’s a brief overview of the 4 different styles:

The Lion Style - Lions are known as the king of the jungle.  They roar and they send the females out to hunt.

How To Recognize Them: Fast paced, quick thinker, more formal, more serious, opinionated

How To Best Communicate With Them: Focus on facts and results, show respect for their time and authority, think bullet points and executive summary

The Otter Style – Otters are very social and playful.  They’ll put on a show for you if you give them an audience.

How To Recognize Them: Fun, communicates easily, wears bright colors, like to talk about themselves

How To Best Communicate With Them: Be entertaining and fast moving, ask about and acknowledge them, explain how they will benefit

The Golden Retriever Style – Golden Retrievers are known for their loyalty and companionship.  They’ll love you no matter what.

How To Recognize Them: Accommodating and helpful, casual/simple clothing, laugh quietly but often, great listeners

How To Best Communicate With Them: Support their feelings, emphasize mutual goals, be warm and sincere, avoid challenging and confronting

The Beaver Style – Beavers are loners and are known for their extreme focus and attention to detail.  They work tirelessly to build intricate dens with extreme precision.

How To Recognize Them: Quiet and more reserved, conservative/functional clothing, takes copious notes, waits for you to initiate conversation

How To Best Communicate With Them: Be clear and factual, provide details, allow them time to think and respond, support their logic

• Think of your own personal preferences.  Which of the style best describes you?
• Now make a list of the important people in your life.  Include your family, your colleagues, and boss, and don’t forget your clients and customers. 
• Next, see if you can choose a style or two that fits them best (based upon what you know).
• Compare your own style to the styles of the people on your list.  Notice how they’re alike and how they’re different.

If you’re like most people, you’ve been communicating with the others based on what works best for you.  What changes do you need to make to communicate with them so it best meets THEIR needs?  What changes WILL you make?

Learning to use this little model can virtually transform your relationships.  But…it won't happen overnight!  It will take planning, practice, trial and error, more planning, and more practice.  Honestly, this is stuff works!  And, it's the most important skill I learned in my career!

Additional Resources:

Gary Smalley – His personality assessment is here (although he no longer uses lions, otters, beavers and golden retrievers as a model) it’s still worth checking out.  You can interpret your results at his site here. (Note:  Skip the add at the top of the page and scroll down to look at the interpretations)

Tony Alessandra – As the author of The Platinum Rule: Discover the Four Basic Business Personalities and How They Can Lead You to Success, Tony is one of the masters in the field when it comes to reading people.  Browse the back issues of his newsletter and sign up if you find his articles useful.

Discovering What Makes People Tick – A good article from the people at the Levinson Institute

Communication Styles Table – An excellent little tool created by Dr. Brackman

Give Credit Where Credit Is Due

I’ll never forget the day I walked into a small department of spirited women.  Their mission within the HR department is the mundane task of managing the employee records database.  From the moment I entered their little corner of the room I realized that this group found plenty of opportunity to have a little fun with their work.

As they buzzed around full of energy and laughter, I felt as though I could be the victim of a hilarious prank at any given moment.  As I looked around I saw cartoons posted on the walls, colorful mascots on the desks, and then I noticed something really extraordinary. 

A uniquely designed and carefully crafted hat made of tin foil was perched prominently on the top shelf of every cubicle.  I couldn’t help but ask, “What’s with the tin foil hats?”

There was a moment of silence as they looked around at each other.  No one wanted to respond, so I prodded a little deeper.  “C’mon you guys.  I love these hats!  Tell me what inspired them.”

Finally one brave soul grabbed her hat (a robin hood knock off) and put it on her head.  She looked at me and said, “We use them to protect our ideas.” 

After a little more prodding they finally confided that their manager had a habit of stealing and taking credit for their ideas.  They went on to tell me about time after time the manager would take their ideas, pass them on to his boss or others (as his own), and leave them feeling neglected and unappreciated.

They knew that they didn’t have the power to change the self-absorbed manager, so they decided to change what they could.

They simply decided to stop sharing their ideas with him.  And they decided to create the hats in case he tried to steal the ideas out of their heads.  In other words, they decided to have a little fun with a difficult situation.

I took away several lessons from that brief encounter.  Here are some of them:

• When people aren’t given the credit that they deserve, they shut down.
• When you’re the boss and you steal credit from your direct reports, they know, you lose all credibility, and you can become the brunt of an inside joke.
• You can steal people’s ideas, but you can’t steal their spirit.

What other lessons do you see in this story?

This post was inspired by Marshall Goldsmith’s latest book, What Got You Here Won't Get You There

Emotional Intelligence In The Office

If you haven’t read “Emotional Intelligence In The Office”, a white paper written by Alexandria Herrera and Travis Bradberry of TalentSmart, you’re missing out.  It’s an entertaining an eye opening view of how emotional intelligence plays out in NBC’s mockumentary, The Office.

I’m the first to admit that The Office wasn’t initially on my list of “must see” TV shows.  After I caught a couple of episodes quite by accident I began to notice just how closely each of the characters resemble people I’ve worked with in the past. 

At first glance, you’ll probably think that the characters are too absurd to be real.  Step back and think about it.  Look at Michael (the boss) for instance.  I’ll bet you can name at least 2 management type people who may not be as outrageous as Michael, but who are overly self-absorbed and totally unaware of how they come across to others.

Have a little fun with this one.  Go read TalentSmart’s “Emotional Intelligence In The Office” and see how many of your past or present real life colleagues can be paired with the characters from The Office. 

Come on back and post your comments here!  (no real identities please)

Put A Little Love In Your Heart

Martin was consulting with the top executives of a large beer company on an enormous project to formulate and implement their strategic vision.

At the same time, his mother was in the final stages of cancer.  After working all day, he drove 40 miles home to be with her every night.  Even though he was committed to his mother and well as his project, he was over stressed and running on empty.

He didn’t want to bother his executive clients with his situation, so he confided in someone in HR because he wanted them to know what he was up against. 

A few days later, the company president called Martin to his office.  Martin prepared himself to cover the project details during the meeting.  He walked in and sat down in front of the president.  The president looked up at him and said, “I hear your mother is very ill”.  Martin was so caught off guard that he burst into tears. 

In Martin’s own words he says, “He (the president) just looked at me, let my crying subside and then said a sentence I will never forget:  Whatever you need.” 

Martin Rutte’s story was published in Chicken Soup For The Soul At Work.  You can find it under the title “Whatever You Need” at his website.

Many high-powered executives would have jumped to the conclusion that the project was at risk.  They would have exerted their power and dismissed Martin from this assignment.  Instead, this president chose to reach into his heart and show his compassion.

I share this story with you to illustrate the power of your ability (no matter who you are) to touch peoples’ lives when you take the time to get out of your head and put a little love in your heart.

People everywhere today are working under extreme pressure.  Day after day, our brains shift into overdrive just to keep up.  Before we know it, we’re on autopilot, over reacting unconsciously, and we lose all perspective of what really matters.

We take our jobs and our customers for granted.  We forget to look beyond the obstacles in front of us and appreciate all that we have.  And maybe most of all, we neglect our relationships with the colleagues, friends, and family who support us every day.

If you can identify with this message, I encourage you to step back now.  Reclaim your power to choose your reactions.  And face your obstacles with a little love in your heart.  In other words, get out of your head and into your heart.

• When you listen, put a little love in your heart.
• Before you speak, put a little love in your heart.
• When you see someone who needs help, put a little love in your heart.
• Before you pick up the phone, put a little love in your heart.
• Before you make a decision, put a little love in your heart.

I promise you, when you put a little love in your heart it will come back to you over and over again.

What would you add?  Will you try it for the next week and post your comments here?

Don't Default To "Return Receipt Requested"

My friend (let’s call her Lenore) has chosen her default mail setting to request a return receipt.  She works out of her home for a large company, and quite often feels out of the loop from what’s going on in the office.  In fact, she has often complained to me that her supervisor doesn’t even bother to read the email she sends. 

Let’s stop right here a minute.

Lenore sends email to her boss (and everyone else) and if she doesn’t get a returned receipt or a response, she ASSUMES the person on the other end hasn’t read her email.  That’s a pretty big assumption.

I’ve never asked her why she uses “return receipt” as a default, but I’m guessing she feels the need document her communication, and if she can get a “returned receipt”, she has proof that the person on the other end received her communication.

Let’s take a minute to explore how her strategy may be doing her more harm than good.

• Receiving a returned receipt only means, that the receiver’s computer sent a receipt.  It has nothing to do with whether or not the email was actually read or not.  So, an assumption of whether or not the email was read, based on a returned receipt is simply a guess.
• When people get the impression that every little bit of communication is being tracked and documented, sometimes they begin to wonder what’s going on.  They might start asking themselves things like, “Could she be trying to build a case?”  “Why would she need so much proof?”  “Can I trust her?”

What might be some better approaches for Lenore?

• Stop using “Return Receipt Requested” as a default.  Use it discreetly, and when she does, include a short explanation about why she thinks it’s important.
• If she wants an acknowledgment that her email is received, she should ask for it.  Something like, “Please let me know when you receive this, so I can be sure it made it through the system.”
• If she requests an acknowledgment and doesn’t get one, pick up the phone and call. 

By changing her approach, Lenore could probably strengthen her relationships, plus, she can save herself angst by minimizing negative assumptions.

What would you add?

Make A Difference Today!

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, by now you know that I’m a huge Tim Sanders fan.  His principles are solid and easy to implement…even if you’re not responsible for managing other people.

His post today “Give A Compliment Save A Life” is one of my favorite stories of the power of compassion.  And even though I’ve heard the story several times, this time he shares it on video.  If you can spare 5 minutes, watch it here:

The XBox Story

Every day, in every way, every one of us has the power to show a little extra compassion.  And it has the power to impact other people in ways you may never know or even imagine.

Take 5, watch the video and tell me what you think.  I’d love to hear how your story about how a little compassion has changed your life.