Success Connections

Don't Take Things Too Personally

Let’s start off this article with a little story about a wise taxi cab driver…

Sixteen years ago, I learned an important life lesson in the back of a New York City taxi cab. I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station.  We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by mere inches! The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and started yelling bad words at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy.

And I mean, he was actually friendly! So, I asked him, "Why did you just do that?  This guy almost ruined your car and could've sent us to the hospital!"  And this is when my taxi driver told me about what I now call, "The Law of Garbage Trucks."

"Many people are like Garbage Trucks.  They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.  As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it, and if you let them, they'll dump it on you.  When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally.  Instead, just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.  You'll be happier because you did."

Wow.  That really got me thinking about how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me?  AND, how often do I then take their garbage and spread it onto other people: at work, at home, on the streets?

It was that day I resolved, "I'm not going to do it anymore." Since then, I have started to see Garbage Trucks everywhere.  Just as the kid in the Sixth Sense movie said, "I see dead people," I can now say, "I see Garbage Trucks." :)

I see the load they're carrying ... I see them coming to drop it off.  And like my Taxi Driver, I don't make it a personal thing; I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.
~ Author Unknown ~

If you’re a long time reader, you know that most of my work is about helping people develop their emotional intelligence.  And learning to take things less personally is a perfect exercise in developing our self-awareness, self-management, and social-awareness.

Let’s face it.  We all carry around our own fair share of old garbage.  The garbage that I’m talking about here includes past experiences like, rejection, injustice, disrespect, the silent treatment, anger, and perhaps even feeling invisible.  And like the taxi driver says, when it piles up so high that we can’t carry another ounce, we dump it on some unsuspecting, often innocent, victim. 

Things start to go haywire when you and I become unsuspecting victims of a gigantic dump.  The cunning little ego in our minds jumps in and starts egging us on.  This is all about you!  How rude!  Are you going to let that idiot disrespect you?  Go ahead, stick up for yourself…this is personal!  The resistance of our egos causes the friction within us.  And before we know it, we find ourselves battling in a hot-tempered war…likely over something insignificant.

The truth is…the battle is not about you (or me) at all.  It’s all about the other person who simply can’t carry any more of their own garbage.  We can’t control where other people dump their garbage, but we CAN control how we respond to it.  We CAN allow others to do what they need to do without it affecting us.

So, how can you become more like the taxi driver and not take things too personally?  Here are some ideas to get you started:

• Stop sweating the small stuff – Richard Carlson said it best.  Don’t sweat the small stuff…and it’s all small stuff.
• Lighten up – Stop taking yourself so seriously.  Not everything is about you.  Learn to grin and bear it.
• Choose your battles wisely – Life is too short to fight them all.  Look for the fork in the road, and then take the path of least resistance.
• Take 100% responsibility for your own happiness – Only you can make yourself happy or unhappy.  Exercise your choices well.

Mike Dooley says, “For as long as you are capable of anger, there are lessons to learn.  Thoughts become things…make yours good ones.”

What is it that you do to keep from taking things too personally?

Six Tips To Offer Words Of Comfort

Imagine yourself knowing that a friend, neighbor, or colleague is losing their home and in the blink of an eye, you run into them while you’re at the grocery store.  What would you say?  What wouldn’t you say?  Do you know what you’d do?

Unfortunately, this is a real situation for my mom who lives just outside of New Orleans.  It’s a long story, but it’s something she deals with every day.  Some people freeze, or look the other way, others want to say “something”.  But more often than not, well meaning people end up fumbling for words until they’ve planted their foot firmly in their mouth. 

When it comes to offering words of comfort, most people just don’t really know what to say.  And perhaps worse yet, they don’t know what not to say. So, that’s what prompted me to start this conversation with you.

Look around.  I’ll bet you know someone who could use some words of comfort.  Who do you know that is mourning a death in the family, nursing a sick child, or worrying about a loved one fighting in Iraq? 

Will you be the person who offers words of comfort, or the person who fumbles for words?

Try using these tips to prepare what you’ll say.  Be sure to let me know how you do.

Six Tips To Offer Words Of Comfort

Think before you speak
Ask yourself, “If someone said this (what you’re about to say) to my mother, would it be more comforting or more annoying?"

Speak from your heart instead of your head
Your heart says things like: “I’m so sorry, I’ve been thinking of you, You’ve been on my mind, How can I help, I can’t imagine what you’re feeling, You’re in my thoughts and prayers”
Your head speaks phrases like:  “Hey I heard, Is it true, I can’t believe it”

Ask about support needed instead of prying for details
Focus your questions on offering to support the well being of the people involved.  Words like:  “How can I help, What can I do, What do you most need right now”

Resist the urge to talk about yourself or someone else you know
Taboo phrases like: "I know how you feel, My aunt Betty went through that, I can relate”.

Listen more than you speak
The discomfort of awkward situations sometimes drives us to fill moments of silence with words.  Make peace with the silence.  If the person wants to talk, be there to listen.  If not, give them space. 

Refrain from giving advice
If you catch yourself thinking anything like: “If I were you…, When that happened to me…” just zip it.

And finally, if possible, let your actions speak louder than your words.  What you do, or don’t do, matters more than what you say.  Remember, people don’t always remember what you say, but they always remember how you make them feel. 

Let’s continue this discussion here. What would you add to these tips?  What situations are most awkward for you?

Become A Trend Watcher

What do you know about the virtual world of Second Life?  A little?  A lot?  Anything?

I don’t know all that much about it.  What I do know is this:

• It’s a virtual community with almost 6 million members
• Companies and universities are using it for virtual training and education
• IBM is using it in a variety of ways including new employee orientation
• Most popular business magazines have featured Second Life in at least one story

These are triggers for me.  They tell me that something important is going on in Second Life.  While I haven’t yet spent the time to figure it all out, you can be sure that when I hear or read something about Second Life, I pay attention.  And you should too.

This may surprise you, but this article is not about what you know or don’t know about Second Life.  It’s to help you understand the importance of becoming a trend watcher.

Quite honestly, too many people rely on the evening news or the local newspaper for information about what’s going on in the world.  It’s just not enough.  If you didn’t know about Second Life before now, what else could you be missing?

If you plan to be in business (for yourself or within a company) in the next 5 years, you need to know what’s coming.  And most importantly of all, you need to consider how it can impact the future of your work and your life.  It’s time to broaden your scope. 

How do you become a trend watcher?

Make time to read – Set aside a minimum of 2 hours each week to learn about trends, new technology and changes in business.

Mix your media – Subscribe to a mixture of business books, magazines, blogs, online newsletters, and even The Wallstreet Journal.

Digest and dig deeper – After you read an article ask yourself these questions:

• How could this impact my company, my job, or my life in the future?
• What are 3 ways I can use this information?
• What else do I need to know about it?

Take advantage of Web 2.0 – If you’re not yet well acclimated to the power of the internet, the time is now and the cost is mostly free.  Right at the end of your fingertips, you have access to the entire world and a wealth of information.

Let me ask you this…

When your company is ready to explore the possibilities of using Second Life or the next big thing, will you be leading the way or will you be following along?

Here are a few of my favorite resources to get you started.  If you need more, I’m only a phone call or email away.

Trendwatching.com – This is an excellent online newsletter focused on consumer trends, ideas and insights.  It’s a must read.

Fast Company Magazine– Is great for keeping you abreast about what’s going on in the world of business.

Bob Sutton – The Working Life – Bob Sutton’s blog at Harvard Business online.  Bob shares his views and experience on management trends in corporate America.

Tom Peters – The day wouldn’t be complete without a rant from Tom on what’s going wrong and right in the world of business.

Seth Godin’s Blog – Surely, you know Seth.

What tools do you use to keep your finger on the pulse of business?  Post yours here.

Give Credit Where Credit Is Due

I’ll never forget the day I walked into a small department of spirited women.  Their mission within the HR department is the mundane task of managing the employee records database.  From the moment I entered their little corner of the room I realized that this group found plenty of opportunity to have a little fun with their work.

As they buzzed around full of energy and laughter, I felt as though I could be the victim of a hilarious prank at any given moment.  As I looked around I saw cartoons posted on the walls, colorful mascots on the desks, and then I noticed something really extraordinary. 

A uniquely designed and carefully crafted hat made of tin foil was perched prominently on the top shelf of every cubicle.  I couldn’t help but ask, “What’s with the tin foil hats?”

There was a moment of silence as they looked around at each other.  No one wanted to respond, so I prodded a little deeper.  “C’mon you guys.  I love these hats!  Tell me what inspired them.”

Finally one brave soul grabbed her hat (a robin hood knock off) and put it on her head.  She looked at me and said, “We use them to protect our ideas.” 

After a little more prodding they finally confided that their manager had a habit of stealing and taking credit for their ideas.  They went on to tell me about time after time the manager would take their ideas, pass them on to his boss or others (as his own), and leave them feeling neglected and unappreciated.

They knew that they didn’t have the power to change the self-absorbed manager, so they decided to change what they could.

They simply decided to stop sharing their ideas with him.  And they decided to create the hats in case he tried to steal the ideas out of their heads.  In other words, they decided to have a little fun with a difficult situation.

I took away several lessons from that brief encounter.  Here are some of them:

• When people aren’t given the credit that they deserve, they shut down.
• When you’re the boss and you steal credit from your direct reports, they know, you lose all credibility, and you can become the brunt of an inside joke.
• You can steal people’s ideas, but you can’t steal their spirit.

What other lessons do you see in this story?

This post was inspired by Marshall Goldsmith’s latest book, What Got You Here Won't Get You There

Emotional Intelligence In The Office

If you haven’t read “Emotional Intelligence In The Office”, a white paper written by Alexandria Herrera and Travis Bradberry of TalentSmart, you’re missing out.  It’s an entertaining an eye opening view of how emotional intelligence plays out in NBC’s mockumentary, The Office.

I’m the first to admit that The Office wasn’t initially on my list of “must see” TV shows.  After I caught a couple of episodes quite by accident I began to notice just how closely each of the characters resemble people I’ve worked with in the past. 

At first glance, you’ll probably think that the characters are too absurd to be real.  Step back and think about it.  Look at Michael (the boss) for instance.  I’ll bet you can name at least 2 management type people who may not be as outrageous as Michael, but who are overly self-absorbed and totally unaware of how they come across to others.

Have a little fun with this one.  Go read TalentSmart’s “Emotional Intelligence In The Office” and see how many of your past or present real life colleagues can be paired with the characters from The Office. 

Come on back and post your comments here!  (no real identities please)

Put A Little Love In Your Heart

Martin was consulting with the top executives of a large beer company on an enormous project to formulate and implement their strategic vision.

At the same time, his mother was in the final stages of cancer.  After working all day, he drove 40 miles home to be with her every night.  Even though he was committed to his mother and well as his project, he was over stressed and running on empty.

He didn’t want to bother his executive clients with his situation, so he confided in someone in HR because he wanted them to know what he was up against. 

A few days later, the company president called Martin to his office.  Martin prepared himself to cover the project details during the meeting.  He walked in and sat down in front of the president.  The president looked up at him and said, “I hear your mother is very ill”.  Martin was so caught off guard that he burst into tears. 

In Martin’s own words he says, “He (the president) just looked at me, let my crying subside and then said a sentence I will never forget:  Whatever you need.” 

Martin Rutte’s story was published in Chicken Soup For The Soul At Work.  You can find it under the title “Whatever You Need” at his website.

Many high-powered executives would have jumped to the conclusion that the project was at risk.  They would have exerted their power and dismissed Martin from this assignment.  Instead, this president chose to reach into his heart and show his compassion.

I share this story with you to illustrate the power of your ability (no matter who you are) to touch peoples’ lives when you take the time to get out of your head and put a little love in your heart.

People everywhere today are working under extreme pressure.  Day after day, our brains shift into overdrive just to keep up.  Before we know it, we’re on autopilot, over reacting unconsciously, and we lose all perspective of what really matters.

We take our jobs and our customers for granted.  We forget to look beyond the obstacles in front of us and appreciate all that we have.  And maybe most of all, we neglect our relationships with the colleagues, friends, and family who support us every day.

If you can identify with this message, I encourage you to step back now.  Reclaim your power to choose your reactions.  And face your obstacles with a little love in your heart.  In other words, get out of your head and into your heart.

• When you listen, put a little love in your heart.
• Before you speak, put a little love in your heart.
• When you see someone who needs help, put a little love in your heart.
• Before you pick up the phone, put a little love in your heart.
• Before you make a decision, put a little love in your heart.

I promise you, when you put a little love in your heart it will come back to you over and over again.

What would you add?  Will you try it for the next week and post your comments here?

Don't Default To "Return Receipt Requested"

My friend (let’s call her Lenore) has chosen her default mail setting to request a return receipt.  She works out of her home for a large company, and quite often feels out of the loop from what’s going on in the office.  In fact, she has often complained to me that her supervisor doesn’t even bother to read the email she sends. 

Let’s stop right here a minute.

Lenore sends email to her boss (and everyone else) and if she doesn’t get a returned receipt or a response, she ASSUMES the person on the other end hasn’t read her email.  That’s a pretty big assumption.

I’ve never asked her why she uses “return receipt” as a default, but I’m guessing she feels the need document her communication, and if she can get a “returned receipt”, she has proof that the person on the other end received her communication.

Let’s take a minute to explore how her strategy may be doing her more harm than good.

• Receiving a returned receipt only means, that the receiver’s computer sent a receipt.  It has nothing to do with whether or not the email was actually read or not.  So, an assumption of whether or not the email was read, based on a returned receipt is simply a guess.
• When people get the impression that every little bit of communication is being tracked and documented, sometimes they begin to wonder what’s going on.  They might start asking themselves things like, “Could she be trying to build a case?”  “Why would she need so much proof?”  “Can I trust her?”

What might be some better approaches for Lenore?

• Stop using “Return Receipt Requested” as a default.  Use it discreetly, and when she does, include a short explanation about why she thinks it’s important.
• If she wants an acknowledgment that her email is received, she should ask for it.  Something like, “Please let me know when you receive this, so I can be sure it made it through the system.”
• If she requests an acknowledgment and doesn’t get one, pick up the phone and call. 

By changing her approach, Lenore could probably strengthen her relationships, plus, she can save herself angst by minimizing negative assumptions.

What would you add?

Make A Difference Today!

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, by now you know that I’m a huge Tim Sanders fan.  His principles are solid and easy to implement…even if you’re not responsible for managing other people.

His post today “Give A Compliment Save A Life” is one of my favorite stories of the power of compassion.  And even though I’ve heard the story several times, this time he shares it on video.  If you can spare 5 minutes, watch it here:

The XBox Story

Every day, in every way, every one of us has the power to show a little extra compassion.  And it has the power to impact other people in ways you may never know or even imagine.

Take 5, watch the video and tell me what you think.  I’d love to hear how your story about how a little compassion has changed your life.

Match Your Message With Your Intention

Open mouth.  Insert foot.  How often do you find yourself trying to take back something you said?

We’ve all found ourselves stumbling to recover from something we said.  I’m sorry!  “I didn’t mean it that way!  Let me start again!”  And while you may be able to muddle through, no matter how hard you try you can’t take it back.

Our communication teachers teach us that we convey messages through words, nonverbal cues (body language), and verbal cues (voice pitch, pace, tone, volume and inflection).  Subconsciously people receiving our messages decode the words and the cues to interpret what they think we mean.  And that’s where misunderstandings begin.

When you speak without thinking (first) it’s easy to send a message that contradicts what you are trying to say.  Let’s look at an example borrowed from Michael Fortin:

“I didn’t say I love you.”

• If you emphasize the word LOVE, (I didn’t say I LOVE you) you might be implying that you simply like someone.
• If you emphasize the word YOU, (I didn’t say I love YOU) you might mean that you love someone else.
• If you emphasize the word DIDN’T, (I DIDN’T say I love you) you might be denying that you said anything.

The point is, “how you say it” sometimes matters more that “what you say”.

Mixed messages and miscommunication are often at the root of conflicts, disagreements, and a multitude of other trust destroyers.

What do you do?

Match Your Message With Your Intention

• Stop and think before you speak.
• Come from your heart instead of your head.
• What message does your heart want to convey?
• What does it NOT want to convey?
• What’s the best approach to get positive results?
• Practice - out loud if necessary.

Let me know how you do!

Help People Get What They Want

It sounds simple doesn’t it? If you just focus on helping people get what they want, you’ll get what you want.

Maybe you’ve heard the saying, “What comes around goes around”.  We used to call it karma.  Now some people call it “The Law of Attraction”.  There’s even a new movie about it titled “The Secret”.  It’s not new though, people have been writing about it for hundreds of years.

There’s one catch though.  You can’t expect anything in return.  You simply give freely (by helping people get what they want) and trust that it will all work out.

Let’s look at the guy who experimented by offering free hugs.  If somehow you missed the story, it’s right here (slow loading link).  Juan Mann simply wanted to reach out and brighten peoples’ lives, so he decided to offer free hugs.  Even though he had no intention of becoming famous, the video spread like wild fire at youtube.com.  On October 30, 2006, Juan found himself sitting across from Oprah for an interview.  See how it works?

It works for you too.  Help your boss get what he or she wants.  Help your colleagues get what they want.  Help your clients or customers get what they want.  Help your friends and family get what they want.  Expect nothing in return, but remember to notice how it all comes back to you.  And usually, you get back way more than you gave.

Would you be willing to put all of those crazy new years resolutions aside and simply focus on helping people get what they want?

Try it!  Let me know what happens by posting your comments here.